Friday, November 2, 2007

Beantles

As long as Devin is making all sorts of confessions, I have a confession to make too: it is not hard being a vegetarian. I am sorry if I talked as if this was a trying experience, but honestly, it is pretty normal. I am not saying it is not a distinct or unique experience full of new things, but it is not torture to thinking about meat. The truth is that I still eat lots of food and a wide variety of it. The only time any sort of difficulty arises is when I look at my meal and think “What’s missing?” and then realize the answer to my question is “The meat you idiot, you are vegetarian now!” Then I move on with my meal and enjoy it to the full extent and it is like nothing happened until later that night when I complain about how the voice in my head calls me names. I mean, he’s right, but he seems a little immature. It is hurtful and unnecessary.

That said, I had a one-of-a-kind dinner tonight. By ‘one-of-a-kind’ I mean it was a completely normal meal that I am sure you have all eaten many times. It was basically homemade Nachos Grande, like from Applebee’s™ or you favorite local Mexican or American cuisine purveyor. Corn tortilla chips, cheese dip, salsa, chopped onions, tomato, rice and black beans. The chips on the bottom even got soggy, just like at Applebee’s™! Now that I think of it, I don’t think Applebee’s™ uses rice, and especially not seasoned wild rice (yeah, it makes no sense, but it was the most Mexican-ish rice I had in the house). But the rice is not what made my meal one-of-a-kind as I initially led you to believe it was - it was the adrenaline rush I got from eating it. I will explain. (I hope when you were reading this paragraph you actually read the little ™ symbol as “tee-em” or if you are really ambitious the full “registered trademark”, it makes the paragraph so much funnier. Go ahead, read it again and give it a try)

We all have had foods we do not really want to eat, or maybe even look at (and that includes you, sitting there claiming you are totally open-minded…you know who you are, and you are a liar) and that food for me is black beans. They look like a pile of beetles and their juices turn kinda purple. If I saw “Beetles in Purplesauce” on a menu I would leave that restaurant just in case they hid some in my Fettuccini Alfredo (without the chicken this time…you thought you caught me there for a second, didn’t you?) So I was nervous about my first attempt to eat a meal based primarily on these “beantles” as I scooped the black balls and purple-brown broth onto my nachos. As I munched I realized the whole thing tasted quite delicious. Next thing I knew I was almost done with the whole pile and I had to pause to catch my breath. Why was I eating so fast? Why was my heart pounding? I took a moment to look inward and there I found that I was afraid still! I was racing through each successive bite in fear that the next one would be the bite where the beantles overpowered my senses and caused me to vomit onto my nachos. I took a short break to catch my breath, falling back on the dipping of new chips into just plain old cheese dip to comfort myself. I had two heaping soggy chips left with the bulk of the rice and beantles that had escaped my previous chips covering them. I tried to eat them slowly. They still tasted fine, but my pulse did jump back up. The whole experience was mild to moderate on the intensity scale. I have a lot of beantles left over, so I will get another workout tomorrow for lunch probably. I hope to bring down my pulse with repetition. It’s a lot like training for a marathon in that way, if any of you know anything about that…no, none of you would, would you?

I am sorry for all of you bean-lovers out there who have no idea what I am talking about, which is probably most of you. I am also sorry for those of you who find my constant interjections to address the reader in a facetious tone to be annoying. I actually was going to follow that apology up with a sarcastic remark, but I will leave it out, just for you. This paragraph is getting ironic, which means its time to wrap it up.

Today’s headline: Stomach of BU Student has it’s own Police Force and Newpaper! (Details on page 9)

1 comment:

Devin E said...

I read the TM's as tee em like you recommended, and it made it much funnier I must agree. And I am proud of you that you got over your fear of the beetles in purple sauce, or at least started the process. I love those little beetles. They are delicious. And central to Cuban food, you have to remember. Stay strong.